Tuesday, June 13, 2006

***Warning- this is not happy*** Looking around the room full of teachers today, I counted the number of teachers whose children are train wrecks. It struck me that the sooner I can get out of education the better because I go home so tired at night that I don’t care how much tv my kids watch as long as it’s something I’ve approved. I don’t care how messy their rooms are because I don’t have the energy to clean them or to get my kids to clean them. I don’t fight them on their bad eating habits because I’m too tired to care. And I’m filled with self loathing at the thought of all the work I won’t get done in spite of bringing it home with me. I’m too depressed and disappointed with myself to reflect much of anything positive to my children and I’m terrified they will internalize my failings as their own. My kids have a pretty high chance of becoming train wrecks if I don’t quit soon.

The Best Principal Ever dropped a bombshell yesterday: she’s leaving High School to go to Middle School. I’m irreconcilably sad she’s leaving but the decision has already been made and people are already in their new positions. I’m afraid Awesome Assistant Principal will leave, too and then the whole school really will go to hell. I wish I could quit this year. I wish I could leave before things get worse. Because no matter how positive or optimistic I am, things always get worse. This year has been absolutely awful and yet I know things will be worse next year. Things always get worse.

I refuse to work on the Vertical Team next year. I don’t like the working environment, I don’t agree with the way the work is organized and managed. I don’t like Super Bitch’s style of taking over and making decisions for us. I don’t like her inability to listen to the teachers and lack of regard for their opinions. Super Bitch is not a good leader, and she is not a good manager. She has brought frustration and disillusionment to an already thankless and demoralizing job. She is not a good coordinator for English.

I don’t want to teach 10 Honors next year. This year was such a categorical disaster that I don’t really want to even look at the mess I made. I don’t want to sift through the fuselage of things taught badly and try to recreate a curriculum that equals in rigor what Fabulous Teacher teaches. That will simply be an act of self flagellation. I know I did a terrible job and I know I’m not (a) Fabulous Teacher. I’m sad for the students who took my class this year. I’m sad for the crap they put up with from me. I wish I had been a better teacher. I wish I were a different person altogether. I suck.

I want to go on vacation for a week all by myself. I want a room with an ocean view, right next to the beach. I don’t want to get out of bed or shower for a week. I don’t want to do anything but watch the waves crash on the sand and be comforted by the tide’s unremitting sequence. I don’t want to think about how fat and unattractive I am. I don’t want to supervise my children playing on the beach and I don’t want to worry about Husband’s mood. Or money. Or anything.

What I really want is to cease existing. But there’s no real chance of that happening.

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